i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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