I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The pigeons can smell the fear
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green