Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS