I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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