I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
