so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
