Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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