i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
