So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(