Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....