i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone