Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?