Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.