So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
