we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm just crazy horny about you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
