so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
