She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk is a universal language darling
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
