You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
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it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
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JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.