bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.