I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.