i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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