you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize