I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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