I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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