Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
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