eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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