I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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