I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
