so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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