I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
