Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
