spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
