Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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