you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
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you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock