I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.