Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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