I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
3pm strippers are depressing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
