Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.