Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS