I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
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He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt