nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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