just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
