my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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