so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
