He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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