Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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