i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
