I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
