while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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