Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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