if i can run in heels then i can drive
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
