when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.