she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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