Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
