I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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