they need to just BURY HIM!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
