i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
